The Place Nobody Wants To Be: Limboland

Limboland- we've all heard the phrase "I'm in limbo". But what exactly does it mean? Limbo is frequently used to describe a temporary state- a lack of movement either forwards or backwards. In life, and in relationships, one thing is certain- being in limbo is darn uncomfortable.

We can feel like we are in limbo for many reasons- life transitions, family issues, the instability of a relationship. As humans we prosper with a certain degree of routine and structure, so being in limbo is an unnatural state of being. We need direction, goals and action to feel that our lives have meaning, but what can we do if the decision of "what happens next" resides with someone or something else? Our internal guidance system wants to resist the lack of movement by trying to force ourselves out of the state, usually by making impulsive decisions or thoughtless actions. Of course, this usually ends up making things worse.

One of the worst things about being in limbo is fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown and fear of outcomes can immobilize our thoughts and actions. This can cause depression, stress and anxiety. Fear is that constant voice in our heads that keeps us from taking risks- risks that might enrich our life or hold us back from doing some things we need to do. Want to experience something new and exciting? Or accomplish something really great? Fear says, "No, you can't."

Another discomfort from being in limbo is the feeling of losing control. Great leaders are admired for their serenity and confidence in the face of uncertainty. When we are in limbo, it can feel like serenity is far from our reach. Instead, our emotions are close to the surface and can flare up at the slightest opportunity. Whether you lash out, cry or pound on your desk, it's uncomfortable to feel out of control.

So how can we feel better about being in limbo? Here are some tips to keep things more in control and less fearful.

Gather information

Information is power and knowledge. When you find out about what options and choices you have, you replace fear with knowledge.

Talk about your fears

Keeping your fears bottled up inside magnifies them. Taking them out (and talking them out) can shrink them. Find a good therapist- they won't disregard your fears or make judgments.

Talk to yourself

Self-talk filled with positive messages can change fear energy into positive energy. Eliminate the negative from your self-talk vocabulary.

Chunk it down

Keep your mind on the small things, not the Big Picture. This stops you from feeling overwhelmed and to recognize the smaller things that you can change. This result is a feeling of being more in control.

Expand your comfort zone

Take a small risk each day. Make one phone call, ask for one thing you want, go to one new place. Little by little your confidence will expand, too.

Accept the Limbo

Don't push against the inevitable. Limbo eventually brings change, and different opportunities. It can lead the way to the next step in our lives, bringing us closer to our goals. Even if we resist the change, it may still result in personal growth, so it can still be a learning experience.

Be proactive

Prepare the best you can for the changes that might come, but then accept the reality of the moment. Think back to other challenges you've come through and remind yourself that everything will work out ok.

Above all, know that limbo is a temporary state. Use the time wisely for reflection, reevaluation, and renewal.

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How To Make Your Boyfriend Want to Marry You

If you seriously want to make your boyfriend marry you, you must be willing to invest in educating yourself on the best strategy to get him to propose. Making him want to marry you is a positive challenge worthy of your best efforts.

Your boyfriend is a good catch and the two of you have been dating happily for a long time now, but deep down in your heart, you are wondering why he has not propose to you. The following tips will make him to commit to the relationship and eventually make him to give you a wedding ring.

Men by nature dread marriage. They fear to get stuck to just one woman all their lives. They fear the control and the additional responsibility that comes with taking care of a woman.

If you want to make your boyfriend want to marry you, you need to change yourself. Make the effort to find out the type of woman he wants as a wife. If you are not homely or you are the type that always prefers eating out, then you need to change fast. Be the type of girl that takes delight in cooking sumptuous meals at home.

Another thing you can do to endear him to you is to be his best friend and confidant. Be the one to help take away all his emotional trauma and stress.

Marriage can bring so much joy and happiness to your life as a woman, but until you learn how to catch the attention of your man and make him want to spend the rest of his life with you, it is like you are going on an exciting journey without destination.

You must also learn how to inspire your boyfriend to always give his best, crave for you and want to be with you and spend time with you. You should know how to do this with a feminine grace that will be difficult for him to resist you.

Be the woman that has full control of yourself and your life. Once your boyfriend discovers you have self control, he will do everything to be part of your life.

Never try to act like his mother. Your boyfriend will never commit to you if you behave exactly his mother.

Ensure you keep your body parts clean at all times. A dirty and smelling body and private parts may drive your boyfriend further and further away.

Apply wisdom whenever you are with his parents. Don't act without his consent.

I Want to Get Married But He Doesn't

Has your love life become a sore source of irritation for you because you want to get married but he doesn't? You know that no-win situation where you feel an emotional wall between you that's caused by the fact that you have each dug in your heels on opposite sides of the marriage debate. You feel that you must (at all costs) get married... and he is quite happy with the non-committal nature of the relationship as it is. Are you in a place of frustration after trying sulking, tears and your entire arsenal of tricks to 'make' him change his mind but with no tangible results? Yes, he sometimes reacts to your jabbing but not to the point of changing his mind about getting married. So what should you do if you want to get married but he doesn't?

1. Understand why it is that you want to get married. Yes marriage is a great and desirable progression for any romantic relationship but to answer the question; 'why do I want to get married but he doesn't?' we will start by trying to answer the first part of the question... why do I want to get married? This part is all about you and your motives for wanting to get married so search your heart and be brutally honest about it... at least to yourself, so that you can move forward from this unhappy place. Ask yourself:

a. Am I afraid of being alone? Can you barely stand to be alone? Can you live at peace with just yourself? If your reason for getting married is just that you don't want to be alone then this may be a problem. He may realize that the only reason you want to marry him is because you just cannot stand being alone. No-one or rather no self respecting man wants to be a means to an end and he will resist all your efforts to get him to commit. You need to make peace with yourself... and to begin to enjoy your own company!

b. Am I terrified of losing this man? Are you just simply afraid of losing this man? Of course if you love him then you will have a strong desire to keep him in your life but what I'm talking about here is the irrational fear that if you don't tie him down as tightly and... as quickly as possible he may fly away. Do you feel like you hit the jackpot with him and you simply cannot understand why he would stay with you? Then the fear vibes that you are emitting may be making him run. Learn how to love yourself, as a unique and beautiful creation that's worthy of any man!

c. Am I in love with the idea of marriage and NOT necessarily with him? Some of us have been ready to get married since we were in our early teens... and we have this fantasy of what marriage will do for us... we will finally become complete human beings. Do you believe that you will finally only be happy if he says 'I do'? Do you believe that marriage will make you feel better about yourself and solve all your current problems? Then your reasons for getting married are all wrong and if you do get married you will be unhappy since no marriage can live up to your fantasy. Subconsciously you will be sending out a signal that marriage at any cost, to anyone is what you want... and he will get that vibe from you and he will resist marriage to you with all his strength. Get informed about marriage so that you can understand what marriage really is. Yes, marriage is great but it also has its share of challenges as two lives merge and begin to live in the closest human closeness possible. Think about such emotional, physical and spiritual closeness... won't there be challenges?

2. Understand why it is that he does not want to get married. You must now try to answer the 2nd part of the question 'I want to get married but he doesn't?'... the part on why 'he doesn't'? Remember that your man is actually a rational person and his refusal to marry you is based on some good reasons (at least they are good to him). Wait until he is relaxed and ask him casually why it is that he doesn't want to get married. If the marriage issue gets both of you angry and irrational then you may need to get help from someone else who is unbiased (not on his or on your side).

a. Has he been badly hurt by commitment situations in the past? Remember what he has told you about his past romantic history and how he grew up so as to gauge whether his past has a stranglehold on him today. If he is still living in the past then he will be unable to move forward with you until he makes peace with what happened in his relationships or in his growing up years. This can be a sticky point since his past will be painful and he has to want to deal with it in order to move forward with you. If he is unwilling to deal with his past then you may have to decide on whether you want to stay in this relationship with no assurance that he will ever come to the point where he will be ready to marry you.

To get married you both need to be ready with the right attitude toward each other and toward marriage.

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The Importance of Relational Intimacy

Society is centered on money and prestige. It's that simple. Even if you were born a happy hippy kid raised on granola and kisses, by now you know that money=prestige=success in western culture. Our cultivated egos value expensive cars, big houses, designer clothes, and exotic destinations.

From the moment we mature to the moment we die, the framework of our life is corrupted by the idea that material achievement is a necessary component of happiness.

We are the wealthiest society in the history of creation. This fact alone should ensure our happiness, and yet we are stressed and depressed because we place our values on things that will never love us back. We cultivate riches instead of enriching the relationships that heal us.

Western culture's definition of mental health coincides with the dominant values of our culture: autonomy, independence and wealth. We are raised in this isolated society to stand alone, be rugged individuals and capitalist ground-breakers. A healthier way of being productive would be to move, work and create within relationships.

I am reading the book Silencing the Self, Women and Depression by Dana Crowley Jack and I agree with Dana that it is natural, not needy, to look for intimacy in relationships; to cleave to a lover, friends, family and community for support.

Women are far more injured by our western role models because a woman is raised to seek intimacy in relationship, to communicate her feelings, to trust in and nurture others. A man is raised to strike out on his own, to keep his feelings subdued, and to be strong, decisive and courageous. This male role model does not mesh well with the intimacy seeking communicative female model. The sad truth is that men need intimacy just as much as women do; they just aren't raised to know it.

All of my manuscripts are based on the importance of relational intimacy. As a writer of woman's fiction, I am constantly looking for new ways to show the beauty of deep sustaining love; between friends, lovers, brothers-in-arms, or sisters of a common cause. Nothing we do in life is more important than the people whose lives we touch with care. Intimacy unearths pain, supports healing and is more valuable than any amount of gold. You cannot take your riches with you to heaven, but you can take the love and compassion you've invested in others.

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What Is the Definition of a Committed Relationship?

Commitment is not a one-way street. A relationship is doomed to fail if only one person is committed. Both parties involved should share the same goals and they need to have mutual agreements on the most important aspects of the relationship. You and your partner should be on the same page but if you haven't had "the talk" yet, how do you know that you are indeed in a committed relationship?

Here are some of the most common signs of a committed relationship:

1.) Exclusivity

This may raise an argument but I believe that when you both stopped dating other people and decide to be exclusive, that's when you know that you both are ready to take the relationship to the next level. While exclusivity cannot be considered as the sole definition of a committed relationship, it somehow seals the deal. Any relationship that does not involve fidelity or loyalty appears to be nothing but vague and hollow.

It's rather difficult to establish exclusivity because nobody really wants to bring this up in a conversation especially if you have been only dating for a few months. Being exclusive with someone goes unspoken sometimes. The most important thing is that you and your partner want the same thing and that is to be together.

2.) Long-term Plans

Establishing future plans with your partner is another obvious sign of a serious relationship. Afterall you wouldn't make plans with somebody that you know won't stick around for a little while. The more serious the relationship is the more you will think about your future together. When you tell each other your dreams it means that you have connected deeply. People who are seeing each other casually will never talk about the future and they focus more on their short-term goals.

3.) Passwords

Giving a person your email, phone and Facebook password is a big deal and if you reach this stage, it means you two are fully committed to each other. When someone gives you their password it means two things: they are not fooling around and they trust you enough. If your partner still has plans of hooking up with somebody else there is no way that they are going to freely give you their passwords. A couple who is in a serious relationship does not hide anything from each other. Being committed to a person means not giving them any reason to doubt your intentions. If you want to reach this stage then I would not suggest blatantly asking your partner for his passwords and make out like you need them so you can start trusting him. Successful relationships do not operate like that.

4.) You spend a night in each others' places

This is considered to be another obvious definition of a committed relationship. You can't get enough of each other and now you started to spend nights in his apartment and vice-versa. You leave your razor in his bathroom and he is completely OK with it. He even gives you a room in his closet and you keep a box of his favorite cereal in your pantry. If you start spending a night in each others' places it simply means that you are marking your territory.

5.) You both understand unspoken expectations

This is when you do things for each other without having to elaborate anymore. You are attending your cousin's wedding and your man knows he has to be there without feeling obligated. When a couple reaches this stage, they tend to feel more secure and they realize that they do things not just to please their partner but mostly out of love.

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Meeting, Dating And The Road To Commitment, Is Love Really All You Need?

It has always been right there in front of our faces. Since the time we were small children, until now. Snow White, Cinderella, Pretty Woman, and Officer And A Gentleman, just to name a few. All Falling in love with the "Prince", and going through some sort of turmoil for 90 minutes. Then, at the end of every movie, he rides up, they kiss, and ride off into the sunset to live Happily Ever After. We were taught to believe that love is all you need.

But, is it? Not really. Because, what you don't see is the afterward. You have to experience that yourself. The afterward is when that initial rush wears off, and you really start getting to know each other. These movies do not teach the realities of relationships, so those realities end up being a big surprise to everyone. What you don't see is...

* Cinderella yelling at Prince Charming because he wore muddy boots into the house

* Snow White throwing dinner in the trash because he didn't come home in time

* Julia Roberts throwing his clothes out the window because old flames are calling

* Debra Winger on a rampage because he was going with friends for the weekend

Once the fairy tale wears off, all you are left with is reality. That's fine. But, now you have to learn to deal with that, and there aren't many movies about afterward. Of course, you can still have your dream, but you are going to need a little more than love to accomplish that successfully.

Love is a wonderful thing, but making that deep connection between yourself and him will be the basis for your relationship to move forward together. Men can be difficult to reach on there own subconscious level because, even they don't understand the road blocks they put up to keep you from getting too close. Sometimes, it seems they even set you up to fail by doing something just to prove you will nag, yell, or be unreasonable. Love is simple, relationships, not always.

Learning how men think, how they feel, and how they work can certainly give you a better understanding of how you want to move forward with your relationship. Being able to remove the road blocks by making that deep connection with him, can send him the right signals that will allow him to move forward on his own, and want take you with him.

The truth is, there are far more single women than married in the United States. For any number of reasons, men and women alike are staying single longer. Time and time again you will hear a woman say "there are no good men out there." That's just not so. What there are however, is women who believe that relationships should be perfect, and so should the man they choose. No one is saying women need to settle for less, or that Happily Ever After can't happen. But, you will have to give up the movie notions you were raised on, and actually make the necessary connections with a man if you want him to move forward to the commitment you seek.

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Adapting the Five Agreements for Relationships

If the earth grows inhospitable toward human presence, it is primarily because we have lost our sense of courtesy toward the earth and its inhabitants

~Thomas Berry~

I have wondered lately what it takes to maintain a relationship. I know people who have managed to stay together for many years, most of them happy. They encountered obstacles but worked together to surmount them. The odds of a marriage remaining intact are about fifty-fifty. I haven't seen any good data on the prospects of relationships outside marriage but they might not be much different.

Why is it so hard to stay together? Some of us look for what they can get rather than give to each other. Others don't take the time to get to know each other. Some don't even take the time to learn about themselves. If we don't know who we are, who our partners are, what we want from them or what we are willing to give them, no wonder staying together is an uphill battle.

I wrote before about Miguel and Jose Ruiz's book, The Fifth Agreement. They suggest five agreements with yourself to keep your life on course. Maybe we could adapt these same agreements to help maintain stable relationships.

The first agreement is to be impeccable with your word. Speak the truth rather than frivolity or gossip. We can speak seriously together of what we love about each other rather than what we find annoying, thus bringing us closer together rather than farther apart.

The second agreement is not to take anything personally. What if we took our partners' words and actions as their attempt to be the best partners they can be instead of seeing them as trying to hurt us. Relationships don't start between people trying to hurt each other. Maybe we can give each other the benefit of the doubt.

The third agreement is not to make assumptions. Instead of imagining our partners' thoughts, feelings and motivations, we can talk with them about our observations to find out what they really think and care about.

The fourth agreement is to always do your best. We all have good and bad days in our own skin and in our relationships. Sometimes it is harder to be with someone than at other times. We can use whatever abilities at our disposal on any given day to enhance our relationship. What we have available might not be ideal. But it is the best we have at the moment.

The fifth agreement is to be skeptical and learn to listen. We don't need to take everything at face value, including ourselves and our partners. We also need to remember that in conversations listening is more important than talking. Really hearing helps our understanding of each other and gives us a better chance to build a more solid relationship.

Life Lab Lessons

• Tell your partner what you truly love about him or her.
• Look for your partner's best intentions regarding how she or he acts.
• If unsure what your partner means, make sure you ask.
• Give your partner the best you have each day.
• Don't take anything for granted, especially your relationship.

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